Mumblings and chattering seemed distant
Followed by a series of laughter and smacking sounds on each other shoulders
But some chose not to show
Being alone is what's best
The red sea waves came and go
Frowning or smiling seemed common
The long queues seemed endless
Patience, my friend
The warm weather seemed to choke
Where beads of perspiration trickled down their necks
Tiring faces
Hidden feelings of dread was evident in their speech
Munching
Gobbling
Humongous appetites
Bad habits undisclosed
As the constant ringing was heard
Buzzing off as quick as lightning
Disappearing like a whoosh
Emptiness could be felt instantly
-Azyan Shakespeare
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3 comments:
This poem of mine depicts a series of different behaviours of students which can be found in the canteen during recess whereby distinct behaviours can be seen from near and afar. I also used similes to further describe and emphasises on the atmosphere and character of the students. This is also written from a point of view, using my 4 senses to develop this poem better. So, enjoy people and spread the love today! Hah.
Basically in the 1st stanza, I used inconsistent run-on lines whereby it depicts the typical behaviours of boys who tend to show their 'open' behaviour such as laughing and talking out loud. While some students (be it girls or boys) prefers to be by their own.
In Stanza 2, I wrote on the facial expressions of the students who are either eating or queueing. And at the same time, I try to emphatise how they're feeling, "Patience my friend".
In Stanza 3, I used clear imagery on the weather and also trying to decipher the meanings behind their "tiring faces".
In Stanza 4, its basically on the interpretation of the sounds that can be heard from all over the canteen, be it "munching" or even swallowing thus displaying each other's eating habits/manners.
In the last stanza (Stanza 5), I use similes, "Buzzing off as quick as lightning" & "Disappearing like a whoosh" to emphasise on the whole sudden change of atmosphere whereby from a very rowdy canteen to now whereby "emptiness could be felt instantly".
Overall, I made use of my 5 senses to further elaborate and develop the poem so as to be able to have a clear picture in mind what my poem has to tell.
I like your choice of words like ' humongous appetites' showing exaggeration on the students' appetites. And in the 2nd stanza, the students are described like waves where common emotions are shown just like the waves which can be gentle or rough(smile and frown).
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